Source: www.africanakua.com| Victoria Fakiya, Nigeria
Just this week, a Ghanaian friend shared with me a local news. The headline is somewhat surprising as it reads, YOU CAN BE JAILED FOR 2 YEARS FOR DENYING YOUR HUSBANDS SEX– POLICE WARNS WIVES. After reading and discussing it with my friend, I was prompted to write on it because that problem is not only Ghanaian’s but an African problem.
Women and girls in Africa are taught to hold their vagina in high esteem which is quite all right. I don’t have a problem with that. However, my problem is with the cultural system. I mean when we teach the girls to stay pure, do we teach the boys to stay pure? Is purity a thing for the women and girls alone? If purity is meant for a particular sex, does it not dawn on you that sexual purity is vague, a lie and a myth and does not even exist? Does it not dawn on you that it is a way of caging women into believing that real men cheat?
Women and girls over time are taught to believe that their lives depend on men. Relax. If a woman’s life depends on a man, what about the man’s? It is a relationship which involves two people, right? So, why do we make it seem like the man is doing the woman a favour by marrying her? They say, just have a man and you’d be all right because you are a virgin. Be the good woman. He can cheat because sexual purity is not meant for him. But you, woman, the day you cheat, you become a disgrace to womanhood and to the entire human race. From that day, you are no longer dressed in glory but shame and embarrassment. You would be fed with scorn and bitterness henceforth… And what happens to the men when they cheat? The women are told to accept them. Some even call it fate or saving their marriage while others say that’s how men are wired. Excuse me, wired? What’s your point? Men are wired to cheat? That is an example of the cultural excuses we give which prompts the men to cheat.
The fact that men are sexual beings does not overrule that fact for women as well because it takes two or more sexual beings to explore their sexualities. However, men tend to be more exploratory, sexually because they are aware of their sexualities earlier than the women. While the woman is looking out for how to protect herself by keeping away from premarital sex and keeping herself for that one and only man (which is not bad), the man is busy exploring. Also, the boy runs after knowledge. He knows how his body works. He knows so much about his sex organs and that of the girl’s and also gives himself to sex education. However, the lady all in the name of sexual purity does not even have an idea about how her body works. She does not know the difference between her clitoris and her vagina. She just believes she would be sound sexually when she gets married or still, has the great sex she believes she would have when they get married. She believes all that matters is nothing but her virginity.
It is funny how the women even attach their worth to a hymen. It is quite ridiculous and ironical because that same hymen that is preventing you from running after knowledge on sexual matters all in the name of sexual purity is likely to deprive you of pleasure… No! The point is, you cannot even derive pleasure because your mentality is just to have sex to get pregnant not for pleasure. Therefore, after delivering of two children, you deny him of his sexual needs because you do not know you are meant to enjoy sex!! So, why did you get married if both of you as partners cannot satisfy your sexual needs? And this might prompt a man who has been anticipating great sex before marriage to cheat!
I am not saying you should go against your beliefs or values as virgins, not that! Even in the parable of the ten virgins, we see that 5 were wise and 5 were foolish. The extra oil that differentiated the wise from the foolish in this context is nothing but knowledge and information. You can be a virgin and still be informed on how to meet your partner’s sexual needs. Nothing is stopping you in this Information age. There are books and a lot of information online that discuss so much on sex and sexual matters in marriages. Being aware of your sexuality is the first step to having a great sex. It spurs your interest in sex and triggers you to explore.
Sexual purity is a myth in marriages. It is a fiction and has no capacity in itself to exist or attach itself to a living thing to come alive. Women and girls of Africa, it is high time you became aware of your sexuality. Virginity is not all that would make a great home. In fact, your worth should not be attached to your hymen. What happens to you the moment you have sex with your husband? You become worthless? It is ridiculous and at the same time sad because some women have forced their men to cheat just because they have delivered of children and see no reason they should have sex again.
The headline speaks a lot as it shows how prevalent the situation might have been before the police in Ghana warned the women. All these can be traced down to sexual purity myths in relationships. It is believed that discussing sex or sexual matters as a lady means you are not pure or no longer a virgin. How hilarious! Why would you be shy to discuss sex with your partner? I mean it is not making sense!
Learn how to communicate your sexual needs to each other as partners. Initiating sex as a female does not make you cheap but approves the fact that you are a sexual being. It is high time we started changing our stories as Africans and it begins with you.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT SEXUAL PURITY IN MARRIAGES? IS IT A MYTH OR A FACT? LEAVE YOUR THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS BELOW.